I am completely half afraid to think...

Bloggin'

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 11:06:45 GMT

Minor updates:

My travel blog's address is actually this: www.japancakesandsyrup.blogspot.com .

My other new blog, which I will probably write in more often, is this: www.isthisaboutabicycle.blogspot.com.

I'm not sure if any of you ever read this blog anyhow, so maybe posting this was unnecessary, but in the case that you do, feel free to check these ones out!

New!

Wed, 14 May 2008 13:09:15 GMT

Working on a travel-blog... more pictures than this one, and less complaining! BAM! It's coming along slowly, but check it out if you get bored...

iamcompletelyhalfafraidtothink.blogspot.com

Wed, 14 May 2008 10:10:23 GMT

I walked home today, listening to an entire Blonde Redhead album while the sun was setting, and I was really looking forward to getting home and seeing Chie and visiting "my" dog and getting my room organized and writing my paper, and and and... I got home and Chie seemed a little upset with me for not separating my trash correctly (I forgot one day). I felt really bad, and I hate that she's going through my trash. She also wouldn't let Kotaro (aforementioned dog) into my room at all. She shut him in Nozomi's room, and I can't play with him (which, let's be honest, I was looking forward to all day...). And now I'm depressed for very trivial and stupid reasons. I just want my host-mom to like me, but whenever I'm here it feels like I'm in her way or am just a pain in the ass... and I'm not sure how to make it better, or if there even is anything to make better. I don't know how much of this is just a language barrier and cultural difference, and how much of it is her being annoyed at me.

On the bright side of things, my birthday package came from my America-mom! I got a beautiful bracelet and some other things that made me smile... I needed that.

Other good things:
Birthday trip to Universal Studios Japan was freaking amazing! Monday was perfect, topped off with a musical tribute to my birthday at the Hard Rock Cafe (to the tune of "Celebration", replete with singing waiters and tambourines). Drunken glee ensued. Who says your 21st is no big deal in Japan? I FINALLY had a good birthday.

Possible summer job in Japan...???

I think my relationships are going to continue getting healthier as I try harder and harder to stop being so stubborn with people. I am really trying to improve things from my end, and I think it's going to work. Like, for reals.

I am trying to stay positive about things. Tonight it's been hard, but... you get it, insert some motivational keep-your-chin-up phrase here.

Fin.

No sleep till... dun dun- duhn duhn- duuun duuun...

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 04:10:16 GMT

I LEAVE FOR TOKYO IN 10 HOURS!!!

ちょっと．．．

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 04:56:33 GMT

Okay, is school seriously over in a month? I feel like I haven't done all that I want to do, and I've already done A LOT. It all comes down to this: I don't want to go back (yet). I'm not ready to leave this life I have right now. I'm not ready to go back to a country where I can understand everything that people are saying, nor am I ready to return to the reality I'm going to have to deal with when I get back. I'm not ready to leave my home-stay, where my host-sister makes me greasy pizza for lunch and we talk in broken English/Japanese, where my host-dog Kotaro greets me each day with more enthusiasm than any human does, where my host-mom dresses up in cute little blue old-lady suits and rushes off to do calligraphy. I don't want to leave my friends at school, American and Japanese, who have been just as much a part of my experience as any sights I went to see, and, dammit, I don't want to leave my boyfriend, especially not knowing when I'm ever going to see him again. This experience has been so wonderful. It's like when you've just been disturbed in the middle of an amazing dream, and you fight and fight not to ACTUALLY wake up; you try to close your eyes as tightly as possible to hold on to the dream because it was so perfect... that's kind of what I'm doing right now, I think. I'm closing my eyes as tightly as I can so that I can try to hold on to this experience for as long as possible. I feel like someone is going to have to drag me to the airport kicking and screaming when it's time for me to leave.

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 10:08:36 GMT

I finished reading Forbidden Colors by Mishima today. (I can't figure out how to make the title italic on Bryan's computer, by the way...). I've joked with my friends in my class that Mishima has been fucking with my head, but in reality, I feel this novel having a heavy effect on my interactions lately, and it's disturbing me a bit. The emptiness and shallow nature of the interactions between people in this novel makes me feel physically sick, mostly because of how realistically Mishima portrays them. It makes me begin to doubt the interactions I have with people and essentially has been making me question my very existence. It sounds so silly that an object of mere paper and ink has stirred this within me. Being in Japan adds to this because of the societal trends I observe and the sense of alienation that accompanies living in any foreign country.

The shallowness/emptiness/malice of these characters' marriages, sexual relationships, and general human interactions have, to some degree, made me begin to lose faith in humanity, and thus lose faith in those people in my life whom I care about the most. I'm just now recognizing this, and I hope I've not done too much damage by allowing myself to be temporarily swallowed by the pit of emptiness with which this world sometimes presents me. It's likely been detrimental to me and my relationships with people.

Thank you, Mishima Yukio. It's scary how much you seem to understand about humanity, while at the same time you worked so diligently to escape its boundaries. Was your life not the very intersection of fantasy and reality? I'm glad you fucked with my head, but it frightens the hell out of me that you did.

Sorry I've been weird lately.

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 09:24:29 GMT

Randy,

We have some things we need to get straight here. If you want to know what I want from you, then listen carefully, because I don't want to go over this any more than I already have. It is your choice whether you want to be a part of my life, but if this is the way you are going to handle things as a part of my life, then maybe you should reconsider.

Before I left, I said to you that I didn't want my car to be all worn out and used to the excess while I was gone. That car has to last me a long time; I thought you knew that. You've ignored my request and put a ton of miles on it. Of course that's not okay with me. I'm sick of hearing that I owe you because you're taking care of my car for me while I'm gone. You aren't taking care of it by putting all those miles on it. You're also not doing me a favor by paying for insurance on it while I'm gone-- that's for your own benefit, so don't act like that's an act of good will. It doesn't need insurance while I'm gone unless somebody else uses it, which I told you I did not prefer. Don't bother detailing it, etc. , if it means that I'm somehow indebted to you. I'd rather not be.

I think you know this is not about you spelling my name wrong; I just mentioned that to mom because I was frustrated. But it does seem strange to me that you've been around since I was little and you still don't know how to spell my name correctly...

I don't appreciate that you are making this a battle between you and mom, one that you expect me to take sides on. Despite what you seem to think, Mom has not been discouraging, encouraging, or interfering whatsoever in our relationship. I'm not going to take your side, so if that means you want no more contact with me, then so be it. You knew from the beginning that every time you do hurtful things to her, you do hurtful things to me; I told you about that from the beginning of all of this. You cannot completely separate us, and frankly it hurts that you're asking me to do so. If those are the conditions of our having a relationship, then count me out. When you are malicious towards her, I feel it just as much. This isn't easy for anyone, and the way you've been acting about all of this doesn't make it any better.

I talk to Mom. I won't stop talking to her and, like it or not, the divorce is something we talk about-- that's healthy, in my opinion. If that's a problem, then it's your problem, not mine. Quit badgering Mom about it; it's not wrong for us to talk. She's been the only one I could talk to for years and years, and that will NOT change. I confide things in her, and I do so confidently.

If you continue on like this, we are through. I can't handle this stress, especially when I'm thousands of miles away. I'm sick of you acting like Mom is evil. If you think all this hurts you, then think about how it's affecting me. This would be awful enough with me at home, but it's even worse when I'm so far away. I'm at my breaking point right now. You need to make some decisions about your future actions, and I urge you to make them carefully, because our relationship is on the line right now. You can't say you want a healthy relationship with me and turn around behind my back and treat my mother the way you've been treating her. Do you think I don't know about it? When you do these things to Mom and then act nice to my face, it feels fake to me.

Am I making this clear enough? Call my mother a bitch again and see where it gets you with our relationship. I can't ignore that. You say you love me but your actions at home aren't showing it. These things matter to me, and they should matter to you too. I don't want to lose a relationship with you, either, but it's hard for me to feel optimistic about it right now. Do some serious thinking and get back to me, please.

Jessica

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:21:58 GMT

The divorce is getting uglier by the minute, and even though I'm thousands of miles away, I'm still lodged in the middle of it.

It's 2:16 a.m. and I can't sleep because I'm coughing to the point where I almost throw up.

Also, the truth sucks sometimes.

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 01:16:28 GMT

I don't understand how soooooo much snot can come out of my nose and my head and sinuses can still be soooo clogged. I feel like my head is going to explode and that Bryan will have to clean my brains off of the wall of his apartment when he gets home because they will have splattered everywhere.

So, today is the first day of はるやすみ! (Spring Break!). Everybody else is going to exciting places like Tokyo and Okinawa, but I feel more than content to be sitting here in front of the computer writing in my LiveJournal (something I rarely have the time to do). And, even though I have a really bad earache and my head is all clogged up, I am looking forward to the week. Hopefully, the weather will improve so that Bryan and I can travel to Kobe on Monday. I really want to go to the Chinatown there, although Bryan's Japan book says it doesn't rival other Chinatowns... but I am not a well-traveled person, so I'm sure it will blow my mind!

I've tried to plan out my week off: Tomorrow, a going-away party with Bryan for someone I don't know; Monday, a day trip to Kobe; Tuesday, a trip to Osaka-jo Castle; Wednesday, Spa World (public bath with a water park on the top floor); Thursday (a national holiday), a trip to Horyu-ji Castle and an art exhibit near Shinsaibashi; Friday, a hike around Fushimi-Inari. And Saturday, I'm taking a trip with a couple of friends to Shikoku to see two natural なると (whirlpools) and bathe in a traditional おんせん (public bath). Finally, the most exciting of the events happens on Sunday, when Bryan and I are going to see Animal Collective in concert!! I've been waiting to see them, and Bryan got me a ticket to go with him for my Valentine's Day gift. I can hardly contain myself just thinking about it!

We'll see how much of that I actually accomplish; I would like to have some time to rest as well. But, I'm in JAPAN! I can sleep when I'm dead.

Things have been going well here, for the most part. Of course, I have told myself to try to write in my LiveJournal when I'm in a good mood from now on... I may or may achieve that goal.

I miss you!

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 13:48:03 GMT

Am I actually growing? I have been sick for the past week or so, and as a result, I've been staying at Bryan's so I don't disturb my host family with my loud coughing. Today, I couldn't wait to get back to my home stay. I actually missed my host-mom and host-sister and their dog, Kotaro. I love staying with Bryan, and I'll do it any day of the week, but today was the most okay I've felt about my home stay so far.

When I got home, my host-mom pulled me into a room where she was teaching calligraphy to an 11-year-old girl from the neighborhood; she does this at least twice a week, more I think, and usually with a whole slew of elementary school kids. I spent the next couple of hours learning some calligraphy, something I've always wanted to do, and it was challenging. But it was also the only time all day that I'd taken to relax by myself. I spent hours practicing the same kanji, trying to perfect it and learn the way the brush works. I felt like I was in art class again, but this was different somehow. I experienced the self-discipline it takes to perfect this art (even though I came nowhere near perfecting it), and I gained an amazing amount of respect for not only my host-mother, but for the 11-year-old sitting across from me, whose penmanship was beautiful. I love this culture, and I love the Buddhist principles I'm starting to pick up on by living in this house.

That sounded like a ridiculous college admissions essay or something-- sorry about that. But, really, it seems strange to feel this change in me. Yesterday I was sobbing because I felt so alienated, but today it feels great to be "home." I'm going through what I think a lot of exchange students experience, which baffles me because it feels so unique to me.

I'm going to go play with Kotaro now.

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:43:46 GMT

I miss my roomie. Last night: anxiety attack. Last night: first night at Chie's alone. Last night: lonely. Last night: miss my mom. Last night: all I wanted was a hug from someone familiar.
This morning: tired. This morning: breakfast at 7:30 a.m. This morning: lonely. This morning: hope my mom is okay. This morning: don't want to face the rest of the day. This morning: just want to see Bryan.

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 06:40:42 GMT

I suppose now's as good a time as any to post a quick update. It has been one month since I got to Japan, and that blows my mind. I am really beginning to feel like I live here. It's not a vacation any more, but I don't mean that in a negative way. I say that because classes start on Monday! Holy WHOA. Right now I'm killing time waiting for my class schedule to appear in my mailbox so I can get out of here before I have to come back again tomorrow to "meet" my host-mom (whose house I've visited once a week since I've been here, but shhh, Kansai Gaidai doesn't know that). I'm getting really excited for classes to begin, but I'm also a bit nervous about moving in with Chie. She's so sweet and I know she'll take excellent care of me, but the bottom line is that I don't speak Japanese.

Which brings me to my next concern: my Japanese Language Placement Test apparently shows that I belong in second-year Japanese...?? I've only taken one quarter of it, so I hope I'm prepared... but I am glad I won't have to endure learning all the basics again; I think I'd get bored, and we all know what happens when Jessica gets bored in class... she decides not to go to class, which causes her attendance grade in class to plummet. None of that here.

I've done a whole lot, and I've also done a whole lot of nothing, so basically this month has been a wonderful vacation from America. I'm going to miss living with Bryan; for some reason, we always make good roommates. But I'm looking forward to my home stay and am really glad that Chie loves Bryan and will invite him over all the time!

There's much more to write, but that's it for now! When I figure out how to post pictures, I will! I think most of you have Facebook, though, and there are pictures up there for your viewing pleasure.

Japan!

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 09:57:03 GMT

So, I've been in Japan for a week now. I still can't believe I'm here. I wake up in the morning and look over at Bryan, and it takes me a little while to remember that we're back together, but this time IN JAPAN. Whoa. I really think I could live here, and it's a good thing, because that's what I'm doing here. It has taken me a bit to realize that this isn't a vacation, but that it's a lifestyle, at least for the next 6 months.

I still don't speak Japanese. But I can read the train maps, and I can order things that don't have meat in them. I think I'll be okay. Sometimes it's frustrating, though, to realize that I can't even communicate on the most basic levels with most of the people around me. It's very alienating, but it also spares me the nonsense I'd have to endure by speaking English in America. So much of the language I encounter each day is useless and needless, or so I'm beginning to discover. So it's nice to sort of be too "dumb" to understand it.

I met my host-mom, Chie, last week, and she really amazed me with her kindness. However, that first day at her house nearly threw me into an anxiety attack. I think she was still in Happy-New-Year-I'm-fussing-over-my-guests-in-an-all-too-nice-sort-of-way mode. It's exhausting to strain yourself to understand even a bit of what's going on, and I had to do it for about 12 hours that day, so by the end I was wondering how the hell I would ever be able to live with her when I won't have Bryan there to translate for me. We went back on Sunday and I felt a little better about it. I'm still a little worried, though, to be honest. But I think all of this is probably what I'm supposed to be feeling at this point... I hope?

Other than that, my time here has been freaking amazing! Bryan and I spent New Year's Eve at the top of the tallest building in Osaka, where the view made my head spin with its beauty. I'm starting to realize how difficult it's going to be to write about all of these experiences because my words really can't do the experience justice. I could talk and talk about Sanjusangendo Temple in Kyoto or the giant whale shark at the Osaka Aquarium, or so many other things, but I don't even know how to yet! I can't even sort out my awe right now, let alone attempt to manifest it here. So that just means that all of you should come see these amazing things! My god, I can't believe I've never been out of the country before now! It's absolutely amazing, and now I can tell I'm going to have that international-travel itch forever!

I hope you all are well.

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 00:11:46 GMT

I really wish this was over. I hate Christmas right now.

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 07:45:19 GMT

So, I have 8 days until I leave for Japan! It still seems so far away, though, considering I came home to realize that my mom had moved out of her bedroom and into mine... indefinitely. I love my mom, but oy, I would love some privacy. Damn you, extra bed in my room! How can I turn her down, though, when her alternative is sharing a bed with my step-dad or sleeping on the couch...? It will be a long week, but it's okay. I have only been home for a couple of days and already I'm sick of this divorcing... I feel like the middleman, which seems so typical, but true... I'm glad it's finally happening, though, because soon things will get so shitty that everything after this will seem less shitty. So, that's cool. I don't think my step-dad is going to be very cooperative, and he's already pulling the guilt card on my mom and me. I feel like he's attempting to get to know me 15 years too late, grasping for straws so he doesn't lose my mom, and I don't like being used. I wish this all hadn't come to a head before the already-awkward Christmas season, but since it has, I'm going to make the most of this horribly stressful and somewhat surreal holiday. At least all of this is making me really excited to get out of here and get to Japan, though!
Things left to do before I leave:
--Pick up my student visa!
--Get rich quick.
--Get health insurance.
--Say sayonara to people.
--Christmas...?
--Buy a lot of deodorant (it's scarce in Japan).
--Learn Japanese.

Not too bad, eh? Aw, yea!!
P.S. I would love to send you all postcards, so leave your addresses as a comment or message me if you're down!

Mmm... yes.

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 22:56:17 GMT

Now is the time when we update!

So, I officially have a plane ticket for Japan! I'll be leaving on December 29 from DIA, getting to Osaka in time for New Year's Eve festivities! I keep fluctuating in my levels of optimism about this because I haven't yet found out if I'm approved for the loan, and I can't afford to go if I don't get it. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to get too excited... but how can I not?! There are still obstacles standing in my way, but I will feel much better if/when I find out I have the loan. My stomach is in knots; I've worked so hard for this, but I keep imagining how broken-hearted I will be if it falls through... Change of subject, please? Before I get depressed about it? Okay!

I finally found a job for the season!! Since my usual desk job shorted me on hours for the winter break, I have been searching relentlessly for some miracle employer that will hire me for only one month. Finally, I found one! The Hotel, Restaurant, Tourism, Management (HRTM) school hired me as a banquet server-cook-operations-staff-person-thingie! I can pick up quite a few hours from the sound of things, and I get paid $10/hr. !!! I've never made that much in my entire life! Plus, the manager said we get to take home any food left over from the swanky events we cater! Money and food?! Pinch me!

I woke up this morning depressed, but things seem to be looking up. It feels good to finally be able to write that down with confidence. I talked to my mom on the phone today after I got the job, and she said, "Wow. It sounds like this is meant to be. Things are falling into place." And she's right. I think the cosmos are telling me to get my ass some money and go to Japan! I plan on listening.

So close...

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 23:51:44 GMT

It's almost over ("it" being this hellish quarter). Two exams down, three more final papers to go. It's a lot to fit into these last two-and-a-half days, but after that, I won't have school to deal with until I'm in Japan! How glamorous! I went to see Of Montreal last night, and it was totally worth not going to all the other concerts this quarter just to see this one show. I liked, though, that it wasn't as amazing (visually) as it was in Chicago because it preserved that special experience for me. However, I was a lot closer at this show than the one in Chicago, but there were also fewer events, like, say... a lady in a gold spandex body-suit handing out spoonfuls of red goo to the audience.

I'm so glad my friend MaryAlice keeps me in check by saying things like:
Complex things are good.
Math is good.
Japan is good.
Everything will work out in the end.

It's true.

It's really happening!

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 22:27:36 GMT

Finals are kicking my butt right now, and I've got so many papers to write before this is all over... but it's okay. In less than a week, all of this will be over, and it will be over for a long time. I have been going through a mixture of emotions this past week, but I'm trying my best to just embrace them, rather than trying to avoid them. I think I (like a lot of people) have thought that the best way to deal with my emotions is to try and turn them into happiness. There's a lot of happiness in my life right now, but there's a lot of other stuff as well, and that's just fine with me. I'm learning that it's healthier to sit with those emotions rather than try to push them aside, and I am even learning to appreciate them for what they teach me. I'm having some trouble (again) dragging myself out of bed for classes, though. I don't know if it's my insane work schedule right now or if it's just getting hard to care about this quarter when I'll be in Japan next quarter... but, either way, I am missing classes again. I hope it's not because I'm on less medication now... I don't want to increase my dose again because I couldn't sleep before, but now I feel like all I want to do is sleep. Where is my happy medium? I don't feel like going back to the doctor anymore, especially when my psychologist isn't around for a few weeks, so I'm just going to ride this wave of uncertainty right now and see where I wash up. I think it will all be fine.

Oh, and I have a Japanese mom now! Chie, Bryan's former host-mom, talked to Kansai Gaidai about letting me do a homestay with her and they agreed! I just need to fax them the paperwork today and it's a done deal! Thank goodness! Now, I just need to get the paperwork in order for my loan application and the ball can get rolling! This is really happening!!

I seriously considered not going to Japan the other day because of what my mom is going through right now. I feel partially responsible for the position she's stuck in, and I want to be here to help her get un-stuck. But thanks to the person that has proven to be quite the voice of reason in my life as of late, I realize that I can't stay. I have to go to Japan for myself. And I'm starting to think that if my mom is going to get through this, I need to be far enough away to make her feel okay about it at first. So, that feeling of guilt disappeared quite quickly, though not completely, and I got my senses back. I can't wait to go. I wish I could leave today and skip finals. I wish I could take my mom with me and yank her out of her rut. But I can't do either, and that's okay because it's not the way it's supposed to happen.

P.S. LiveJournal's spell-check says that "proven" isn't a word. It is, right? Have I lost my mind? I

No more maybe's about it!

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 23:55:40 GMT

Oh... my... dog, I'm going to Japan! I woke up early this morning to talk to Bryan and noticed that my email inbox had a little ditty from Kansai Gaidai. They like me, they really like me! I can't believe this happened. My pessimism has been trampled, and it feels awesome! I did it!!

So, orientation doesn't start until Jan. 26, but I'm planning on heading out for New Year's and getting used to the city before I move in officially. How awesome is that?? Good things do happen. Rejoice! I can't even say anything else right now! I'm excited about so many things right now: Japan (duh), my reading tonight, and the awesome Louvre exhibit I just saw at the DAM. I can't articulate anything else right now, but I'm happy. Like, really happy.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 22:37:27 GMT

I started feeling so much better last week, even amidst the drama that ensued with my roommate. I felt like I could manage this, like I could make it through all of this alone, at least physically alone... if that makes any sense. I felt like the medication started to help some (except that it's making it so I can't sleep for more than two hours consecutively), but I felt less depressed for a short while. Yesterday, though, I woke up with a pit in my stomach... a pit of what, I don't know, but it threw me off all day long. I felt like crying for the entire day, and my anxiety really kicked in. I can't explain it, and I've tried to sit with this feeling and dissect it to see where it's rooted, but I can't seem to figure it out. All I know is that it makes me feel defeated, like all the work I've been doing still hasn't made a difference. I know there's no such thing as a quick fix, but I just wish I could explain why today and yesterday I have felt like this.

Yesterday, I got done working at Towers and drove home. Some ass-hole in a Ferrari (?) came speeding at me head-on, so I pulled over because the street was too narrow for both of us to pass. In pulling over, I hit someone's parked car, and that someone was in the car. I only nicked her bumper a little bit, but it is still going to cost money that my family and I don't have. I was already so anxious yesterday for some reason, and that just pushed me over the edge. I kept calm while dealing with the situation, but afterwards I broke down sobbing because I was so shaken up. The noise of me hitting her (really only rubbing up against her bumper a bit) just kept echoing in my head, which is so silly. In high school, someone totaled my car and I didn't even shed a tear. Afterward, I realized that this wouldn't have been a big deal if it weren't for the money it's going to cost. It made me feel really upset about the way our world functions. It isn't enough that both of us are okay and our cars are okay. Because of money and materialism, I've got another thing to worry about. I can't afford to live right now, and I'm realizing that the majority of my anxieties are rooted in (my lack of) money. I don't mean that if I had more money I'd be happier, but I do mean to say that being poor is certainly a stressor that has affected me.

I want to leave America! I want to go to Japan! I'm going insane waiting for those Nihonjins to get back to me about studying in January. I keep worrying for no reason, and I recognize that. I'm trying to concern myself with the now and forget everything else, but it's so hard to do when I know that leaving is a possibility for me. And it's hard knowing that I feel empty right now in this place, and that I may or may not be able to change that soon. WHEW!

BOMBARDMENT! This is a small portion of what's going on with me right now, and writing it down actually helps me to realize that, right now, I have a lot of shit to deal with and that maybe I'm not crazy for being stressed about it. I am depressed; it's official. And I have anxiety disorder. I think I've been avoiding admitting it for a really long time, but it has become a very big part of my life (I plan on fixing that, by the way.) I don't expect things to change right away, and I still freak about these things, but just putting all this into words makes me feel a little bit relieved. I'm ready to feel okay, but it hasn't happened yet. But sometimes I think it will happen.

Some good things:
95% on Japanese test!
A+ on my French paper!
Grizzly Bear is streaming their entire new LP on their myspace page!
I've gone to all my classes for the past two days! (Big deal for me)
Selah selected me for the undergraduate reading series on Friday (good thing, but also very stressful thing)
That ringing in my ears is because of the medication, not because I'm going deaf! (or so it seems)...
I still have one person I feel safe with (whom I miss like mad.)
I'm starting to realize that the reason I feel so sad is because of how good I felt before... so I know I'm capable of being happy, at least.

Congratulations if you've made it this far through my entry. Kudos, because it was hard enough to write; it's probably even harder to read. Your reward? The end of my entry!!

Creepin'...

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 23:12:59 GMT

I got out of class today and had a 45-minute interval between the end of class and the beginning of my advising session. I have to admit that I spent the entire time creeping, reading people's LiveJournal Entries from years ago, and it was utterly fascinating. Especially the people whom I haven't known forever, and therefore didn't know at the time they wrote those entries. So, I'm sorry, friends, for creeping on you. It gave me this strange sense of something like nostalgia, but for situations in which I had no part. Sometimes I found myself wishing I had taken part in those events. Is that totally strange and creepy? I'm sorry if I creeped you guys out, but at least I'm being honest. I promise I won't stalk any of you.

In other news, my ears have been ringing for four days now. Non-stop. It's high-pitched and it's beginning to drive me mad. I don't know what's causing or whether I should go to the doctor or not. I feel silly, but the sound of silence is deafening me, and I have this strange fear of going deaf (perhaps due to the many surgeries I had when I was little, all with the sole aim of making me not deaf.) I don't know how it would be related to the medication I just started taking, but maybe that's it. Either way, it feels like this constant deafening high-pitched ringing that won't stop and that interferes with hearing other things. It was especially annoying during the listening comprehension portion of my Japanese test today. I have a fan constantly going in my room just to give me a little bit of a break. Jeeeebus.

More news: my hands are so jittery these past few days that I can't even put in my earrings. I know it's the Wellbutrin, and I'm hoping my body will adjust to it soon because that makes me feel insane too. I don't want to be the kid who shakes all the time and says "I can hear it. Do you hear that ringing??? Don't you HEAR it?!"

I'm not sure what possessed me to enter all of this, and I apologize because it's whiny and uninteresting. But, hey, you read it, so fool on you!

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 05:23:20 GMT

My friend Rachel Ann came down to the desk today sobbing while I was working. I tried to comfort her and calm her down, but when I found out why she was so upset, I knew that I couldn't calm her down. Her cousin got wasted this weekend at a Halloween party and decided to play a game of Russian Roulette. He shot himself in the head. I can't believe that happened. I don't know what else to say.

I'm not sure why this has gotten to me so much since I found out about it. All I keep repeating to myself is, "I can't fucking believe that happened." I can't believe someone would get drunk enough to do something that outrageous. This is the shit you hear about in movies. It scares the hell out of me. Maybe it's because my brother's an alcoholic and I could see him doing something like that. Maybe it's because my drunk-ass friends fought me to drive home by themselves last night. Maybe it's just fucking scary.

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 16:02:35 GMT

I've been starting a LiveJournal entry every day for the past week and deleting it because I'm never sure how to manifest what's going in my life with these words. These words feel inadequate, and I keep getting frustrated with myself for not being able to harness them to say what I mean. But, I'll try.

This quarter has been shit. I keep trying to keep an optimistic attitude about it, but in all honesty, it's been the worst quarter yet. I'm not doing well in my classes, and I'm pretty sure a lot of that has to do with me not going to class because I haven't been able to convince myself that it's worth getting out of bed for. I don't think I've ever called what's going on with me depression, but I'm starting to realize that it most certainly is.

I started going to a psychologist, which I struggled with because of my prior experiences with therapists, but I think that I'm in a position right now to let her help me. Along those lines, the doctor has added another ingredient to my anti-depressant cocktail. In addition to my Zoloft, I am starting on Wellbutrin, which I'm told is a more "activating" anti-depressant. I didn't want this, I didn't want to have to go on another medicine just to feel okay, but the truth is that I have spent so much of my energy this past month on just trying to get through the days, that there hasn't been anything left for anything or anybody else (such as school, friends, etc.). I just want to feel okay; I'm not expecting a miracle.

This isn't to say, though, that I haven't felt at all okay. I find that there are brief periods in my day when I feel fine, and even (dare I say?) happy. They have been infrequent lately, but I'm banking on them. At one point, my application to Kansai Gaidai (Japanese study abroad program) kept me going. I put so much effort into it, and now I'm at the point where I'm just waiting anxiously to hear back from them. I was optimistic about this at one point, and I've spent the past month planning out next quarter as if I will be in Osaka. I hope I'm not wrong. I've researched taking out a(nother) loan to help pay for my housing there, which will hopefully be a homestay with Chie (Bryan's host-mom when he studied abroad). However, in applying for a credit card to help build my credit and look good on the loan application, I failed. I'm so worried that I'm fucked if I can't even get a beginner's credit card with a $300 limit. How will they give me a loan? I hope this isn't a beginning to a series of rejection letters. Each day that I don't hear back from the school, I get less and less optimistic.

I think I just feel like I'm drowning this quarter. I can't get ahead, or even on track financially, academically, mentally. It's very discouraging to work a ridiculous amount of hours at work and still only have $20 in my savings account. It feels so unfair, especially when I'm surrounded by people my age who only have to make a phone call to mommy and daddy and, magically, $1000 appears in their account. It's not fair because I would be SUCH a better rich person than they. I grew up poor; I understand hard work and all that crap, now when is it my turn to have some money??

I know this has seemed like a very negative entry, but not everything is awful. I get to talk to and see Bryan on Skype nearly every day, and Kristi (my roommate) and I have had some really good talks and worked things out between us. AND, the coffin races are this weekend, which means I get to see my best friend, MaryAlice, who always makes me believe in humanity again. So, I'm trying to focus on the little joys, though I haven't been able to lately.

So, that's what's going on as of right now... sort of. As I said, don't expect that these words can create a true portrait of my life as of late... I don't expect them to anymore.

Love.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 15:40:28 GMT

I love Bryan Comer. More on that later.

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 11:56:39 GMT

I don't know if I'm choosing the best time to write the first entry I've made in a while...

I won't waste my time updating all of the events since my last entry, but here is a short recap of a few things:
    --New roommate=Kristi
    --Quit my work-study at Mass Comm. ( =stickin' it to the man!)
    --Bought Bryan's old car ( =transportation!)
    --Japanese girls came to visit Bryan and Nick ( =emotional ups and downs for Bryan and me, but all ended well)

Shallow, but efficient.

Bryan left yesterday at 4:30 in the morning for Birmingham after we stayed up all night watching movies and splitting a bottle of wine and being in love. And it was amazing. I have spent months dreading this day, but it happened anyhow. It didn't matter how sad I was (or how sad I am); it still happened. On October 4th he will go to Japan, no matter how broken and unsure either of us is. So I guess I'm glad that our last night was so fucking wonderful that it made me sob for hours. And I'm grateful to have had 7 months of a happiness I never thought I was capable of experiencing. Both of us had anticipated this moment, but usually when I anticipate or try to prepare for something like this, it happens and then it's over. This isn't over. But hopefully that means all of the fantastic times aren't over either.

I just read this paragraph, and how fucking cliche. I'm leaving it. It's almost 6am; nobody can expect much of me right now.

I am going to Japan. Hopefully in January, but if not then, sometime soon (Spring Break!). I need to be there. I need to not be here. I'm so fucking excited at the prospect of studying there for the winter/spring that I can hardly contain myself. Hopefully I can make that come through in my admissions essay.

Alright, I'm going to stop now. I'm too tired and sick of trying to figure out how I feel about everything.